There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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