the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
