I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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