The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
