Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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