I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
