babies were throwing up all over the place
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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