I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
