drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
