Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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