I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Come share oat with me in your robe
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
