The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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