I smell stomach acid.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
