i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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