im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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