We won't sleep together?
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i will never coherently bang her
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
