Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
