her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
