tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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