mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
