By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
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