so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
