before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
