Swine flu. Run for my life!
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
