I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Randomize
