I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
