Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
