Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
only you would photoshop your dick
This house was built for laser tag.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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