Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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