I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
