dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
