I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
