So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
