There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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