I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
