Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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