Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
