Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
