I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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