why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
