You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
