I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
