Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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