Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
