Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
