My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
not ubering you a puppy
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
