We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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