The maid of honor just puked.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
