chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
