mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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